December and the Dreamers

The light came down 

Cast the darkness away 

He appeared 

A helpless child 

The light of God came to save us 

To the world that He made us 

O' Lord and Savior 

Alleluia 

-Josh Garrels, A Light Came Down

When Joseph woke from sleep, he did as the angel of the Lord commanded him: he took his wife but knew her not until she had given birth to a son. And he called his name Jesus. 

Matthew 1:24-25

Our Father who is in Heaven, 

It is a hard thing to quiet our hearts before you. Our hearts are loud and chaotic, as we come off a year of political strife and global unrest and terror, as we come off a year of personal failures and successes, as we come off a year of doubt and sorrow and weaknesses of all kinds. 

But every December, as Christmas stands bright and shining in the dark of this year, we still feel your draw of every heart, of every story, of every nation, even our tired and dusty selves. We can’t help but remember your First Advent into our sorry world, a helpless baby born to new parents. We can’t help but remember the curious manner of your First Coming, how angels announced you to both Mary and Joseph, how kings hunted you, how wise men from foreign countries sought you, how everything fell into place by unseen hands to fulfill the prophecies and promises of an Almighty Father to His longing people. 

This year, we remember the dreamers, the seekers in this story of your birth. In our world, there is no room at the inn for dreamers either. The dreamers are told to come back with an action plan, to forget their foolish dreams, roll up their selves and get to work. But just as you chose to come in the ultimate weakness of humanity, a fragile baby, you chose to work in the twilight world of human dreams to protect the Savior of all people. Joseph, the human father of Jesus, the father you chose to keep the Messiah safe from harm was such a dreamer. After weighing his human options, he chose to not put his pregnant fiancee to shame and just divorce her without fuss or mess. But in sleep, in fragile dreams, you sent him a message, and thank God, he remembered when he awoke. Thank God he didn’t dismiss it as something he ate the night before, or the result of emotions and decisions running high. Thank God you transformed his dreams into something more concrete and real than the normal run-of-the-mill dreams we shake from our minds as we wake. 

And so as we remember Joseph, the Dreamer and the human Father of God-with-Us, we ask that you would turn us into dreamers too. We ask that you would shake us from our petty dreams, our daily desires, our worldly cares, our unbelieving hearts. We ask that you would transform our dreams into realities, our fears into faith. Give us the vision of Joseph for ourselves and our world. Prepare our hearts for your coming, whether you come to us in dreams or in daylight, in solitude or in community. Be our strength, be our peace as we seek you, as we dream after you and your kingdom. Give us dreams to change our world, as you gave Joseph dreams, as you gave the wise men dreams. Give us calm hearts to hear your gentle voice to us this Christmas, as we turn our hearts toward you, as you turned your hearts toward us and the whole of humanity. As we lift our faces to you in both the ashes of this year and the promises of your birth, whisper to us of resurrection and transformation and and an everlasting hope. Amen. 

Seeking peace and joy. 

An empty peanut butter jar makes a good vase, of course. 

Lights shining in the darkness. 

Wish. 

The beauty of the water and the shore never ceases to amaze.

Earth and sky meet. 

Obligatory coffee cup shot. 

When You Have to Start Over...Again

You gotta keep your heart young

Don't go growin' old before your time has come

You can't take back what you have done

You gotta keep your heart young

-Brandi Carlile, Keep Your Heart Young

“…do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be known to God.  And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.” 

-The Apostle Paul, Philippians 4:6-7

Sometimes you have to start not only where you are, but where you have been. 

I found this the other day when I decided to ATTEMPT some stretching after my afternoon walk. Which is also an ATTEMPT at getting back into some sort of exercise routine. Last month, I was so sick and stressed that I completely fell off my beloved exercise wagon. Now that I’m trying to break my way back in, I’m realizing that while it’s frustrating for anyone who is trying to get into any kind of shape to take two steps forward and one step back, for someone who is only recently enthusiastic about exercise and has fibromyalgia, it feels like two steps forward and 37 steps back. So the point for me this week is just TO MOVE. Just a little to remind my body that YES YOU CAN DO THIS. BECAUSE YOU’VE DONE IT BEFORE. 

While stretching and feeling the BURN, I thought to myself that sometimes you just have to start where you’ve already been. And that’s ok. As a recovering perfectionist, it’d be soooooo easy for me to focus on where I’ve been and that TODAY it just feels like I really SUCK AT THIS and my body will NEVER EVER get back to what it was. But you can only begin where you are at, which sounds dumb and like a lame Pinterest quote, but it is true when attempting anything new or forgotten. This goes for all kinds of things, of course. Like getting back into reading the Bible on a regular basis or eating well on a regular basis or going to bed at a decent time on a regular basis or keeping up with friends on a regular basis. 

I am the worst at anything on a regular basis. Well, when it comes to incorporating positive habits in my life. I can go for days before realizing, “Oh, I should exercise today! I should pull on some shoes and get my backside OUTSIDE.” I can go for days before realizing, “Oh, I should eat something other than leftover carrot cake for every meal!” I will happily get stuck in ruts of not going to bed before midnight before realizing that I should at least TRY to get ready for bed earlier. 

What I AM good at on a regular basis is overthinking and sabotaging my own thought life. SO GOOD AT THIS, YOU GUYS. I will inwardly berate myself for my lack of progress in ALL THE PARTS OF LIFE until I am completely cut off from any positive movement in any direction. So this is why I need the reminder that even I get to start wherever I’m at, even if I’ve been there a million times before. And that’s ok, because we all have to get back up after we get knocked down. We all have to start over. We all get to do things over again. And, as they say, practice makes perfect. Even if perfect isn't quite what we had in mind after all. 

One of the best things about having a chronic illness is that you get to let go of perfect. If you’re like me, this happened while being dragged kicking and screaming. And I still struggle with wanting to do EVERYTHING THE BEST and BEING ABLE TO DO IT ALL MYSELF. I always will, BUT the last couple years of being able to accept my weaknesses and focus on what I can do and can give have been REVOLUTIONARY. There’s such a freedom in letting myself off all the impossible hooks that I was on. When this happened, verses like Philippians 4:6-7 make so much more sense—I HAVE to ask God for help for EVERYTHING. Verses like John 15: 5 where Jesus says we canNOT do anything apart from Him and being continually with Him are so much more real to me now. Chapters like Isaiah 41 where God calls Himself our Helper over and over again mean the world to me more than ever before. Because I can’t help myself. I can’t just wish myself out of my weakness. I get to reach out and ask for help from the One who longs to be my Helper in all things. And He does. He always helps. It may not be in ways I wanted or thought of, but He always provides what I need. And if God Himself doesn’t expect me to do it all on my own, why would I expect the impossible from myself? 

So lately, I have been hearing the call to lay down my impossible expectations and lay down my obsession with all things perfect. I want to give up perfect. I want to stop mourning my past progresses and accomplishments so much, and focus more on what I can do in spite of my limitations. I want to listen to my mind and my body and my heart, and pace myself accordingly. I want to be ready to give grace to my weak places, and in turn, be always at the ready to do the same for others. I am ready to celebrate the smallest of victories, the most minuscule of mustered efforts. When I am already in this mindset, I am more ready to tell you about your victories, too. That you probably didn’t see before, because it’s very uncommon to throw on a party hat for meeting little goals or accomplishments. But in this way, we can all bridge the otherwise looming gap between what the lies we believe about ourselves and what we truly are: more than conquerers in Christ Jesus, people who know that love is our banner and our mission and our foundation. Let’s build each other up, pointing out small successes and happy happenstances. Let’s strive to be more like Christ toward each other, who does not expect the impossible from us, but only what He’s given us to give and to be. 

The water, always the water. 

My beloved Pacific Northwest beaches. 

Autumn skies and wind in the trees. 

Those heavens declaring the glory of our God. 

Coffeeeeeeeeee PICTURE! 

Bad Grown-Up; Still Awesome

“No, stars are for achievement. My 40th cigarette of the afternoon. THAT deserves a star.”

—Bernard Black, Black Books

Having gifts that differ according to the grace given to us, let us use them: if prophecy, in proportion to our faith; if service, in our serving; the one who teaches, in his teaching; the one who exhorts, in his exhortation; the one who contributes, in generosity; the one who leads, with zeal; the one who does acts of mercy, with cheerfulness. 

—The Apostle Paul, Romans 12:6-8

I am not a very good grown-up. 

Really. 

Except for the other day.

I went to the insurance office and sat there for OVER TWO HOURS. It was worth it, because now we are saving BOOKOO BUCKS, but afterwards I had to buy cookies and stress-eat an entire sleeve. I mean, I didn’t have a choice, really. DON’T WORRY, THEY WERE GLUTEN-FREE. And delicious. And I harbor no regrets. 

It’s weird how certain things make one feel like an adult. ADULT THINGS. Meeting or calling about ALL the insurance. Renewing tabs ON TIME and remembering to attach them ON TIME. Going to the post office or the bank. Making chicken stock from scratch. Calling customer service.  Making appointments. Filing paperwork. Returning ANYTHING. Scrubbing out the tub. Making a menu plan (that I hardly ever stick to). Using the paper shredder. Remembering to get something out of the freezer ahead of time. And probably the biggest one of all….USING THE CROCKPOT. 

Please tell me I’m not the only one who feels the need for a Well-Done-You-Reward for doing these things? I mean, except the crockpot. That’s its own reward. Obviously. 

The sad thing is none of these activities will do themselves, and as my friends and I often lament, there is STILL no butler, chef, personal secretary, or maid on the premises. I mean, it’s weird. So I have to use the Reward System for myself, like I’m some kind of Toddler Who Would be Bribed. Thankfully, for our budget and my more-form-fitting clothes, it’s not ALWAYS cookies (although that would be ideal). It’s usually in the form of watching House Hunters or another episode of Morse or Poirot (VINTAGE AND CLASSY TASTE ALERT) while I fold laundry. Or a hot bath after sorting and filing mounds of paper. Or a piece of chocolate for dusting and vacuuming. You get the idea. 

When I look at that above list of what I consider Adult Things, it strikes me that they are all filed under Administrative or Household Maintenance. And it makes sense why I don’t want to do any of them. Because…boring. I would much rather sit on my porch with all my flowers or curl up with a book because WOULDN’T ALL OF US. This doesn’t mean we’re lazy or anything. It just means we’d all rather be spending our time and energy doing what we love. I just started reading Cold Comfort Farm by Stella Gibbons (insert: HILARIOUS) and came across this line, and it struck me that I AM THIS HEROINE: 

“... on the whole I thought I liked having everything very tidy and calm all around me, and not being bothered to do things, and laughing at the kind of joke other people didn't think at all funny, and going for country walks, and not being asked to express opinions about things (like love, and isn't so-and-so peculiar?)” (Cold Comfort Farm).

Thank you, fictional Flora Poste. BRILLIANT. I like tidiness, although I can never fully achieve it. I adore calmness, because I’m an introvert with fibromyalgia. I love not having anything pressing to do, so I can putter and patter about, taking my time with things. I always end up laughing at weird things, to the point where people have told me they don’t understand my sense of humor but they love me anyway (whew). I love walking now! Like, it’s a major THING. I feel like a crazy person without it. And please don’t make me talk about really important things on the spot. Please give me a head’s up a few days before or allow me to submit thoughts in writing. Hahaha, if only that were possible. AM I RIGHT. 

But what is the point of all this rambling, albeit surely fascinating, introspection? Besides telling you that I need little incentives to do chores (LIKE I’M THE ONLY ONE)? 

We need to know ourselves. We need to know what makes us tick, what gives us motivation to do things. Not just for silly things like doing the dishes or calling the insurance company, but for our whole lives. I think in our world of social media where we can present only the image we want, where knowing the lingo and exceeding expectations is everything, it’s easy to lose who we really are, even to ourselves. I still think we should all be careful about what we put online, of course, but this mindset contributes to being too concerned with image. I find myself always and constantly editing myself, even in person. Whether it’s about how I’m doing, how life is, what I’ve been up to, what my plans and goals are for the future. Part of this is being a perfectionist, part of this is pride, but I think we’ve all been trained to Be Careful about how we present ourselves to the world at large. In a world where we judge others by what they share on Facebook or on Pinterest, (you know it’s true), how can we not be concerned with our image or try to hack ourselves down into a socially acceptable version? 

I know I don't feel like I fit society’s norms of what a female in her early 30s “should” be. AKA a “grown-up.” With a career. With 2.5 kids. With LIFE FIGURED OUT. Or at least this week’s meals planned out (What’s today, anyway?). The thing is, though, NO ONE has it figured out. We are ALL taking it step by step, day by day, and even if you are one of those immortal beings with a five-year-plan or an immaculate house (God bless you, you mysterious creature!), there are detours and stop signs and wrong turns for all of us. Just because life is confusing and messy, or you might be struggling with certain things, like illness, financial difficulty, relational stress, direction in life, depression, anxiety, weight or acne or other appearance-related things, you still count. You are still you, and you are worthy to still live your precious life. You are still amazing and strong in spite of the struggles. 

If we can learn how to give ourselves a break about expectations and allow ourselves to be who we are in all our messy and beautiful glory, what a wonderful world this would be, to quote the incomparable Mr. Armstrong. If we can learn to not censor ourselves so much, if we can embrace our own quirks and personalities, if we can take the time to get to know ourselves again, we will learn what it means to be fully ourselves. And it will be amazing. Because we all have gifts and talents and skills that are not valued much by society, like hospitality, making others laugh, seeing beauty everywhere, picking out gifts for people, making a killer cinnamon roll, gardening, leading well, serving others in grace, or even roller-blading or playing hockey or knitting or landscaping. These kinds of things make life full and meaningful and interesting. 

And when we can accept that we are each individuals, not fitting into tight molds made by others, we will help those around us in the same way. It’s an paradoxical thing that we can’t be our best selves alone-we need others. In the same way that I am more myself being married to Ben, we all have the influence to bring out the best in others. We can inspire those around us to embrace who they are, who God made them to be, to grow into the person they were meant to be. In this way, we will build up the church and the world. In this way, each one knowing who they are and what gifts God has given them, we can bring God’s kingdom to earth. In this way, we can show the world who Jesus really is—the One who transforms us, who loves us, who cares for us, who made us to be His own. When we love each other without condition, when we care for them, when we encourage each other to grow in Him, we present a beautiful picture of Jesus. Let’s help each other shine brightly, in all the mystery and beauty and freedom of individuality. 

Judge not a book by its creepy cover. 

Had to bring some of the beauty indoors. 

Bright colors!

I had to get some new flowers! BE STILL MY HEART. 

Worship and the Lost Week

 “Bertie,” she said—in part and chattily—“it is young men like you who make the person with the future of the race at heart despair!”

    “What-ho!” I said. 

    “Cursed with too much money, you fritter away in selfish idleness a life which might have been made useful, helpful, and profitable. You do nothing but waste your time on frivolous pleasures. You are simply an anti-social animal, a drone—“ She fixed me with a glittering eye. 

-P.G. Wodehouse, Scoring off Jeeves

“Be still, and know that I am God.

    I will be exalted among the nations,

    I will be exalted in the earth!”

-Psalm 46:10

I have been surviving the past few days on Pamprin and kid’s chocolate rice crisps cereal. No joke. 

My stomach has felt as stable as a ping pong ball in a free-falling elevator for about 95% of the last four days. SO FUN, YOU GUYS. 

The hot water bottle has been a permanent fixture, a constant companion. My one complaint about the new and very fancy BLUE bottle is that I can’t get it hot enough. I need it to feel like it’s been recently fetched from somewhere deep within the gates of Hades.

I watched the remainder of Half-Price Paradise and Lakefront Bargain Hunt on Netflix. Now if that’s not desperation for distraction, I’m not sure what is. 

As for the rest of my bodily ills, I won’t enlighten you with the details, as you may be trying to drink a lovely cup of coffee or eat a muffin while you read this. Also, my dignity (slip-shod as it may be) won’t allow it. I AM A LADY, DANGIT. 

So it’s been quite the WEEK, let me tell you. I am finally starting to feel more human, but thinking about this week is like looking down after you’ve climbed The Cliffs of Insanity. Or like how you feel after getting off a roller coaster. WOOZY. But ALIVE. Yesterday I managed to stumble out to the balcony for the first time in a few days, and it was wonderful to sit in the sun, feel the breeze, be surrounded by my still-alive flowers, and just be outside. It was so great that I did it again this morning. Just changing location, even by a few feet, can be everything. 

So often, when times like these hit, it’s all we can do to simply hang on, grit our teeth, and pray for a better day tomorrow. And that’s ok. I offered up very simple prayers this week, consisting mostly of “help” and “please.” I also played songs to remind me of God’s love and presence and help, because I need reminders of those things in the middle of trouble. Troubles and sorrows of all kinds threaten to keep our heads down, instead of looking to Jesus in all our circumstances. 

It’s also weeks like this when I’m finally able to come to, in a sense, and be MAJORLY PUT OUT that I was not able to do more, or take steps towards work or health, or be productive. You know, ACTION. Because that’s what my culture values and praises, and totally applauds. Both in and out of the church. And while it’s true that faith without works is dead (James 2:17), there are many kinds of works, aren’t there? God treasures it when we do ANYTHING for Him, even giving a cup of cold water to a child (Matthew 10:42). Also, I’ve been reading in the book of Revelation lately and was reminded that there are creatures that exist to fly around the Throne of God just to worship Him. Just to sing His praise, just to profess the goodness of the Lord. Day and night, they NEVER cease to sing, NEVER cease to give God glory (Revelation 4:6-11). It’s a beautiful and terrifying and mysterious look into God’s presence. 

Whatever else we may think of the book of Revelation*, this is a powerful picture of worship, and it gives me great hope. Because there are days when I wish I could be out, DOING things for God, saving the world, etc. You know, the usual things that my Purpose Driven generation wants to be doing. But God has such a different and gorgeous idea of what “doing” things for Him means, and that changes Every Single Thing. When I’m stuck in my house, pinned to the couch by pain, I can still worship Him. I can still praise Him. Like those creatures who fly around the Throne with wings to cover their hands and feet, I can proclaim the ultimate reality of the holiness and worthiness and goodness and power of God. From my couch. If that’s not transformation, I’m not sure what is. If that’s not redemption of some pretty miserable circumstances, I’m not sure what is. When I can stop focusing at my problems for a moment, and gaze at the beauty of the Lord, my problems don’t disappear, but they are redeemed.

Of course, the skeptics and the pessimists will ask why praise a God who lets me be in mysterious pain, who could change it all with one word, one wave of His hand? Why should I thank Him even though He doesn’t stop my troubles? This is an age-old question, of course. And I of course struggle with my attitude and my own questions constantly. But here is the thing: I know God is with me. I know He has supported me through my whole life. I know He has rescued me from my twisted dark places, and has fully and completely reconciled me to Himself. I know exactly how He has changed me. I know He promised we will all have trouble and suffering, but He also promised He will never leave us or forsake us. I know He is Goodness and Beauty and Peace and Love Himself. I know He is the Creator and Redeemer of this world. And as Revelation reminds us, He is coming soon to finish His redemptive work. And it will be beautiful and perfect and we will all be whole because we will be fully with Him. 

This is why I can praise Him exactly where I’m at, no matter what is happening. He is, like the four living creatures sing, holy and worthy. I am filled with joy at the thought that I too get to praise Him, no matter what I am or am not. Jesus told the Samaritan woman in John 4 that the Father is looking for worshipers, who will worship Him in spirit and truth (John 4:23). Not in activity and busy-ness, not in lists of good deeds accomplished. But in spirit, in truth. In trusting Him, in seeking Him in everything we do. When we know Him, our praise will naturally overflow and magnify the Lord in all His goodness to all the world. In the middle of the mess, the chaos, the broken bits and dashed dreams, He is working. He is Immanuel, God with Us.

*I’ve been reading the most wonderful book on this last book of the New Testament: Joy in Our Weakness, by Marva J. Dawn. I love, love this author. She has a wonderful book on illness called Being Well When We’re Ill, which has changed my perspective on being a Christian with physical sickness. Dawn is a theologian with many degrees AND has a host of chronic illnesses herself—I am so thankful to have read her books. Check her out!

It really is FANCY,  isn't it? For a water bottle, I mean. 

I know you all needed an update on these beauties. 

This is REALITY, and it's all good. 

A New Thing

Let no one caught in sin remain

Inside the lie of inward shame

We fix our eyes upon the cross

And run to him who showed great love

And bled for us

Freely you bled, for us

Christ is risen from the dead

Trampling over death by death

Come awake, come awake!

Come and rise up from the grave!

Christ is risen from the dead

We are one with him again

Come awake, come awake!

Come and rise up from the grave!

-Matt Maher, Christ is Risen

“Remember not the former things, 

nor consider the things of old. 

Behold, I am doing a new thing; 

now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? 

I will make a way in the wilderness
and rivers in the desert. 

Isaiah 43:16-19

My darlings. 

You guys. I am OBSESSING over my balcony. It has become, for the first time in 5 and a half years, one of my favorite spots in our apartment. I now practically haunt the balcony, worrying over the one yellow leaf on one of the petunia plants, fussing like a mother hen over the dirt (is it too wet? Too dry? Should I add more fertilizer?). I am watching the progress of new blooms blossoming with great anticipatory delight. I am moving the wide planter of petunias and the cute little white flowers around to catch more sun during the day, like a human sundial. I am now sweeping up the floor on a regular basis. This is big, as it means I can go outside without shuddering in my flip-flops, like a nervous freshman in community bathrooms. I now try to get outside as soon as possible, both to enjoy the delightful morning sun hitting the balcony and to soak up some light after being enshrouded in the twilight of sleep. I water the flowers before I start my coffee, usually. So, yes. I am a woman obsessed. 

What brought on this transformation, you may well ask? This sudden, abnormal behavior of a Anti-Green Thumb who formally forgot about watering a houseplant till it’s 6 months later and it’s wilted beyond recognition? When the New Plant Glow wears off, and I turn to other more important distractions and activities? When I buy herbs in a kind of feverish, grim resolution that THIS will be the year I enjoy fresh mint mojitos, fresh basil in pasta, fresh cilantro in ALL THE THINGS? Only to watch helplessly as they shrivel and wither and generally give up their herby ghosts? 

Well, it started with the coming doom of a Very Hot Summer Ahead, and asking my beloved father to bring over the ol’ Shop-Vac and erase the effects of a long winter, with its dead and crackling leaves, its sheen of dirt and 30+plus years of who knows what? The DIFFERENCE, I tell you! I could patter out to the patio in bare feet and not cringe inwardly. Or outwardly, for that matter. I could putter about, planting flowers and moving terra cotta pots hither and yon. I could finally lay down the outdoor mats I bought without merely covering the evidence. I hung my silvery Words on Walls purchase above the chairs. And voilá, it felt like home! It felt new, like I’d never really seen it before. It finally felt like a place I wanted to be all the time. Sun-filled, flower-filled, Sarah-in-chair-filled. 

When you want to be some place all the time, it’s easy to care for it. To delight in the very work of maintenance and upkeep. To try to give it the best chance possible. To gently coax it into what it’s meant to be. 

And, of course, this is how God Himself sees us. 

He wants to be with us all the time. He cares for us, delights over us, croons over each new blossom, over each new effort or skill learned or hard thing conquered. He gives us everything we need to grow into whom He’s made us to be. He sees us as new delightful creatures every morning, He sees to us each first thing. Every time we pray, every time we seek His kingdom in our lives, every time we practice loving others before ourselves, He is filled with a kind of pride and joy. All because He rejoices in our very existence, our very being, our very humanity. Zephaniah 3:17 even says He dances over us with loud singing! 

Thankfully He is not daunted by a long winter of the soul. He is not discouraged when we dry out or start to wither or collect a little dust. Even though I am a city dweller through and through, it is easy to see why Jesus refers to God the Father as the Gardener and Himself as the vine in John 15. The Vinedresser takes away the branches that don’t bear fruit and prunes the ones that do. When we remain in the vine, remain in the branch of living with Jesus, we will bear much fruit, for God Himself sees to it, that we are pruned and trimmed and weeded and watered. He is glorified when we bear fruit, when we bloom, meaning that we show the world more of who He is. And that is exactly what the world needs. 

The world needs His beauty. His truth. His grace. His gentle pruning of the things that keep us from Him and from others. 

And somehow, through His mind-boggling plans, we get to be part of showing Him off to a world sick for beauty, sick for wholeness, sick for truth. 

But as Jesus points out, nothing can bloom like its supposed to with remaining in the vine, without taking deep root. You see, we can do nothing without Him. We can be nothing without Him. We are built to be forever with Him. Gloriously designed to walk with God Himself in the cool of the day, and the heat of the day, and everything in between. We do nothing without the Gardener caring over us. And this is one of the best parts of the Gospel, although at first we may balk at not being able to do everything by ourselves. Flowers fulfill their true purposes by just blooming. When we can throw ourselves on the caring mercy and love of our Father in faith, no matter how many times we have to keep doing it, we will know Him. We will be with Him, just as we are intended to be. It is, truly and mysteriously, all about Jesus, doing the work in us and through us. 

No matter how slowly it all seems to be taking, how long it seems to take to throw off the weight of winter, how invisible His works seem to be, we can take hope in the truth that He is attentive and loving. We can’t see what He’s doing in the darkness. We can’t even begin to know what He is doing in us, because we would be dumbfounded and tongue-tied and knock-kneed. Let’s look to the Vinedresser, because He is always doing a new thing, He will make a way where there is no way, He will create rivers in our deserts, and hope in our sorrows. No matter where we find ourselves, in wilderness, in storm, in trial, we will find ourselves at home and with Him. 

Just a little sun. PERFECTION. 

Hope springs eternal, and hopefully these will too!

I told you I moved around the planter all the TIME.

Home indeed. 

Embracing Self-Care

And when I run, I feel His pleasure. 

—Eric Liddell, from Chariots of Fire

Have you not known? Have you not heard?

The Lord is the everlasting God,

    the Creator of the ends of the earth.

He does not faint or grow weary;

    his understanding is unsearchable.

He gives power to the faint,

    and to him who has no might he increases strength.

Even youths shall faint and be weary,

    and young men shall fall exhausted;

but they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength;

    they shall mount up with wings like eagles;

they shall run and not be weary;

    they shall walk and not faint.

—Isaiah 40:28-31

Self-care is really hard. 

I don’t care if you’re single, married, have kids, have a goldfish, work full-time, are unemployed, or whatever. It’s hard stuff, taking care of our needs. 

Self-care is quite the buzzword these days, too, making it sound like yet another to-do item on the never ending list of Things Today’s Modern Woman Must Do. The guilt builds every day we don’t have a hot bath or practice yoga or read for 10 minutes. It’s easy to see the benefits of these things, of course, but who really has the time, or even the will to do any of these things? 

Clearly, I’m one of these women who struggles at the idea of taking care of myself. Of course. Most nights of the week, I TELL MYSELF, THIS, THIS will be the night I have a hot bath before bed! This will be the night I turn off the TV and get myself down the hall to run that delightful and relaxing bath. Haaaaaaaaaa. Yeah, no. Every night, the comfort and sheer impact of routine usually keep me rooted to the couch. And it’s easier to hit Next Episode. Ah, maybe tomorrow night will be different. And so it goes.

But I’m not even just talking about adding in something new, like listening to Mozart before bed or drinking hot water and lemon in the morning…before coffee (sidenote: what.). I’m talking basics here. Getting enough rest. Eating good and delicious food. Taking time to seek out good and encouraging people-time, or taking time to seek out good and encouraging alone-time. Taking time to read the Bible and pray. Pursuing hobbies and interests. Engaging in energizing movement. 

Having chronic pain over the past few years has made me seek out self-care like never before, even though I’m not a natural. I found myself struggling with just the day-to-day running of things, and I couldn’t coast by anymore. I had to adjust, find more ways to take care of myself, to be intentional. Oh, I guess I DO need to go to bed early. Oh, I guess I do need to lay off the sugar and the excessive amounts of caffeine. The list goes on. There has been so much trial and error, so much balancing and adjusting. 

It’s been strange, discovering that it’s good to take care of myself. I know that might sound weird or pompous, but it’s not. I believe most people don’t really believe this. Judging by how run down, ragged, exhausted, and anxious our culture is, most of us are running on steam. And that is terrible. It’s terrible because when we are perpetually exhausted, perpetually at the end of our rope, we are not really ourselves. We are merely surviving. And don’t get me wrong! There are seasons of survival, seasons of coping, seasons of grief. And that’s ok. If we find ourselves in that sort of a season, I pray we can all reach out and get the help we need. 

But when we live out our days and our years, our precious time, by running ragged from one thing to the next, we lose the joy of truly being ourselves, I believe. We stop knowing ourselves, and we lose ourselves in the lists and errands and deadlines and commitments. Perhaps we do this out of guilt. If I’m not busy, if I’m not doing things, I’m not worthwhile. If I’m not pushing myself to the brink physically or emotionally, no one will think I’m doing my best. If I’m not making everyone around me happy all the time, I must be doing something wrong. This is so untrue! While it is best to think of others first and to care for the needs of others, how can we care from an empty cup, as the saying goes? It is not written anywhere we are not allowed to care for ourselves. As a matter of fact, Jesus himself says to love our neighbors as we love ourselves (Luke 10:27). Paul says to look to the interests of others as well as our own (Phillipians 2:4). 

Here is the thing. We are not doing anyone any good when we don’t take care of ourselves. There are no awards for Least Self-Care. You see, it’s all about our motivation, our heart, as most things are. If we don’t take care of ourselves as a way to manipulate or feel like we have one over on everyone, that is just plain wrong. When we want to play the martyr or shock others into sympathy, we are not truly ourselves or acting from a place of trust or faith in God. I have felt this temptation many times in my chronic pain—to not take care of my appearance or let my healthy routines slide so others would actually believe me when I say I feel terrible. Or to work through an event or even keep a job, just so I could prove to everyone that I am a worthy person. 

We are not meant to live our lives in guilt or fear or trying to force sympathy. We are meant to live in freedom, to be ourselves as God created each and everyone of us to be! Each of us, each individual human being, is made in the image of God (Genesis 1:27). We are each worthy of dignity and care and consideration: we are image-bearers of God himself! If we are in Christ, there is no condemnation (Romans 8:1). For freedom, He has set us free (Galatians 5:1)! This is good news for all of us. This means we can all take a deep, deep breath. We can rest in the truth that we are each worthy because God has made us worthy, and if we believe in Christ as God and Rescuer of the world, we have nothing to fear. Not even our own sins and foibles and past mistakes. We will never be found out because God has given us His own righteousness, and given us new life. 

And we must see that God doesn’t want us to burn ourselves out. He wants us to be salt to a flavorless world, to be a shining light to a dark world (Matthew 5:13-14). He made us all different and beautiful, each with a certain way to shine light, to be salt, to be something that makes others look back to God in wonder and joy. One way we bring glory to Him is simply to be who He created us to be. Do you love to dance? Dance! Do you love to garden? Garden! Do you love to draw? Draw! Do you love to host and have people over? Host! Do you love to play music? Play! Do you love to cook? Cook, and invite me over!

Instead of making self-care another weary and impossible chore (because we know that it will always slide to the bottom of the list), let us remember the essence of it. Let us remember that it’s not merely some added thing to do. It’s actually much smaller and bigger at the same time. It’s allowing time and space to be who God created you to be. It’s about embracing what you love and letting God shine through that. And it will look different at different times to different people. It might be taking that bath one day, or reading a favorite book, or watching a new show, or just sitting in the park with the sun on your face. It might be saying no to yet another activity, it might be staying home from church sometimes. It might be saying yes to something new, to someone new. It might be forgiving an old hurt, it might be forgiving yourself for an old mistake. 

In this way, I believe transformation will come to each of us. One of my favorite authors, Frederick Buechner, wrote in Wishful Thinking, “The place God calls you to is the place where your deep gladness and the world’s deep hunger meet,” and this is so true. Your deep gladness, the things you do that make you feel alive, the things you do to offer care to yourself, God uses. Don’t ignore your passions and the things that bring you joy, because God longs to use them to help the whole world. Make time to be intentional, to be creative, to be whole. We have no idea what joy and hope will come to the world when we are truly ourselves. 

Going to get fancy drinks at your favorite coffee shop is highly recommended. 

It's ideal to have a favorite restaurant, too!

Sometimes making yourself a cup of tea in a Batman mug can do wonders.

Baking is my JAM. 

Sometimes nothing but the water will do. 

Peanut butter pie is ALSO my jam. 

Get outside sometimes. It's so good. 

Favorite beverage in a favorite mug...mmm, ritual.