The Art of Graciousness

We got to learn to love.
-Third Day

Let your speech always be gracious.
-The Apostle Paul, in his Letter to the Colossians


I’m a girl. I have opinions. Let’s face it, I have a lot of opinions. On.Freaking.Everything. On myself, on the world, and everything and everyone in between. As a girl, I also have a lot of moods that strike at any time, without warning. I also have urgent needs for cookies and quiet and organization. Friendships and relationships are everything to me. I am eternally processing my life to people or a flat piece of paper. I feel the need to express all of these things at all times, to tell everyone my feelings on all my favorite and non-favorite things, and for you to really stop and LISTEN to me. Maybe this sounds familiar.

I’ve noticed, and maybe you have too, that a gracious woman is a truly noteworthy one. It seems to me, and I realize this is horribly general, but women as a group are not always known for their graciousness. Sometimes women can be hormonal, conniving, dramatic, and generally ill-disposed, and I find myself guilty of all the above at different times. I decided a couple years ago that I wanted to be a gracious woman. A gentle one. An inviting and hospitable female. And promptly fell flat on my face. It so happens that as soon as one makes an inward resolution to be more awesome, the world asks if you’re really sure about that, and sends you frustrations, awkward situations, and downright hard crap to deal with. Let it be known I brought loads of this on myself. Some of it was free. Anyway, I find myself now in a much better position to reevaluate this desire of mine.

I still want to be a gracious and awesome woman. There are quite a few wonderful examples in my life to look up to, as far as inspiration. They come to me in forms of co-workers, relatives, friends, acquaintances, and even authors. They have been women of faith. Some of them only go to church on Christmas. But they all have certain characteristics in common.

For starters, The Gracious Woman really.just.lets.others.be. She allows people to just be who they are. She doesn’t expect you to give what you don’t have. She also gives to you and doesn’t need anything in return. How cool is that?! And how often do I do the exact opposite of that? Don’t answer that. Gracious women understand human nature, really. They get it. They get that people mess up, that they are going to fail you, that accidents happen, and that favorite wedding presents are going to break. And she still wants to hang out with you. She still thinks you are a lovely human being. The Gracious Woman also inspires you to be better. Without imposing rules or threatening to withhold, her very existence makes you aware of how you could do things differently, do them better, be a pretty cool individual yourself. I love this artful balance-letting you be you and helping you be better. This is truly one of the Christlike aspects of graciousness, I think.

Allowing everyone else to be themselves doesn’t steal anything from The Gracious Woman, though. No sirree. She knows who she is. She knows what she needs. She knows what she can give. She sticks to her boundaries. I really love this part. This part makes the above part possible. The Gracious Woman is-gasp-NICE TO HERSELF, too! She doesn’t expect crazy things from herself. She probably eats fruits and vegetables on a regular basis, exercises sometimes, and thinks about going organic. She makes an effort to not beat up on her body, even though everyone’s doing it. She realizes that we’re all in changing seasons, and we all need different things at different times. But she doesn’t freak out when she fails at some of these things. Pretty awesome way to see the world. I think she also struggles with depression and sadness sometimes. She’s real, and sometimes things really, really, really, suck. She knows this and allows time to mourn and grieve, knowing that hope is just as present.

I’m verging into Proverbs 31 Woman territory now, but bear with me. These women allow their mindset toward themselves and others to flow into their homes. I’ve been in homes that are incredibly peaceful and hospitable, where I feel I can just be. The hostess let her house be a conduit for true hospitality. These homes may not always be the most clean or organized or magazine-perfect, but they are full of welcoming presence. Gracious women invite you in, you know? They want you to know that you belong, if you want to. But no pressure. It comes full circle with the whole letting you be you quality. Their homes reflect that. It’s really a beautiful thing. I love those homes and seek to make my own that way, too. I want others to love coming over. To say that Sarah’s house is always warm and welcoming, and full of freshly baked brownies and pots of steaming soup and mugs full of hot tea, even if there’s paper everywhere. To say that they felt like themselves at my house. That is such a precious goal of mine.

Another amazing characteristic of gracious women is that they don’t always say what they’re thinking. This is a big one. Women like to talk. I always want to tell you whatever I’m thinking RIGHT NOW. But…it’s not always a good idea. A lot of the cool women I know…well, I don’t know always know what they’re thinking. They don’t over-share. They are cool with themselves enough not to seek validation from every person they meet. I am learning this one. Always. These women have opinions to be sure, but they don’t feel the need to always share. They’re probably right, and we should all listen when they do share, but sometimes we’re just left in curiosity. They don’t gossip, either, which is definitely counter-intuitive. They usually have something good to say about everyone. I really like that, too. They know how to express frustrations and good things appropriately and with the right people at the right time. I’ve come a long way in this, but there’s always more to learn.

These are a lot of really shockingly wonderful qualities that seem impossible to attain sometimes. I’m not overwhelmed, though. Becoming a gracious woman, learning to love people no matter where they’re at, being cool with myself, letting others in, and controlling my big mouth is such a process. As one of my favorite authors, Brother Lawrence, says, you can’t become holy all at once. These women that I know  have been becoming themselves forever. They weren’t built all at once. They’ve chosen graciousness when bitterness and hardness would have been so much easier. They learned the hard way to let others be. They’ve messed up a lot in all these things, but they keep going. They keep choosing compassion and love for themselves and others, even when it doesn’t make sense. They have learned over time to be gracious. I am so inspired by that. It gives me hope that I can be gracious, too. That I can choose gentleness and joy, to learn to love the hard things. That I can invite people over even when my house is a mess. That I don’t have to share the latest gossip. These are pretty cool things to be excited and hopeful about, in a world that encourages women to be the opposite of these qualities. Let’s do some hard things!