Motherhood and the Singing of Grace

Come, Thou fount of every blessing

Tune my heart to sing Thy grace

-Hymn

I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing. 

-Jesus, John 15:5

There’s a lot about being a mom NO ONE TELLS YOU. 

Like, how it now takes 3 hours to watch a 45 minute episode. 

Or about the FLUID. Oh, the fluid. So much of life now is about the FLUID. 

Or how you develop laser eyesight in the darkest of nights, searching for a fallen pacifier for your desperate infant. And your own desperate self. 

Or how 3 in the morning feels much the same as 3 in the afternoon. 

Or how you will cry more than your baby over trying to get her to eat. 

Or how you don’t really mind all the poops and diaper changes.

Or how you can live off your baby’s smiles FOR DAYS. 

Tonight I was dead tired. Like, so tired. I haven’t slept for a full night since the SPRING OF THIS YEAR. AND IT’S PRACTICALLY CHRISTMAS, PEOPLE. It’s just better not to think about it. And for the countless time, I had to go wash a sink full of bottle parts and pump parts because this is my life now and for the foreseeable future. WHEN ALL I WANT TO DO IS WATCH TV. That’s really ALLLLLLL I WANT TO DO. And eat snacks. My desires are oh so simple now. Oh, wait, that’s all I ever really wanted to do before…ahem. 

But alas. My task was in front of me—the approximately 2432587235 bottle and pump parts to wash. I stood in front of the sink, waiting for the water to heat up. And I had to while the Daughter napped. THIS WAS MY WINDOW. 

And a strange thing happened.

In spite of my aching exhaustion, in spite of just needing to zone out, in spite of feeling generally discouraged, I felt the urge to SING. 

Oh yes, that’s another thing they don’t tell you. 

As soon as they hand that baby to you, you become a freaking SINGER and SONGSTRESS. It’s innate. It’s inevitable. And thankfully, my daughter has a father who is NOT tune-deaf and can teach her to sing correctly. Her mother, on the other hand, loves singing but it’s a total happy accident if she sings in tune. 

Anyway, I’ve been singing pretty solidly for 6 months now. In the beginning, it was old Keith Green songs and hymns, as those were all I could remember at 2 in the morning. Now I’ve STUDIED UP and can sing some more common lullabies and baby songs, and let me tell you, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star and You are My Sunshine are BIG hits around here. Also, Good Morning from Singin’ in the Rain, because this is ME we’re talking about. 

So there I am, the hot water spilling out of the tap, and suddenly, Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing starting spilling out too. And as I sang to myself about Jesus seeking me when I was a stranger, and rescuing me from danger, and how great a debtor I am to His grace, and asking Him to seal my heart for His courts above, my super annoying and very repetitive task wasn’t the worst. And my exhaustion, a very real thing, wasn’t too much. As I reminded myself about His gospel, His good news, I remembered that it’s good news for me now. 

In this new season of life. For a tired new mama with fibromyalgia and a million things to do and think and worry about. The gospel of Jesus—the news that God loves me, a sinner, and invites me into His kingdom—is a refreshing wind, a long and peaceful and deep exhale. As I moved into O Holy Night, I was more at peace. Not because anything had really changed. I’m still going to have to wash these finicky plastic pieces many more times. I’m still going to be exhausted for what feels like FOREVER. I’m still surrounded by temptation to worry and fret and complain about hard things. But the simple act of lifting my voice lifted my spirits and thoughts to the One who listens, who hears, and who is with me, always. 

So as long as motherhood feels crazy and wonderful and reveals HOW COMPLETELY OUT OF MY DEPTH I AM, I will be singing away. So for the rest of all time, really. So sorry not sorry. Good thing I’ve been practicing night and day, huh. 

Your coffee should be the size of your infant's head. 

What I Wish My Doctors Told Me About Fibromyalgia and Pregnancy

Lying in bed would be an altogether perfect and supreme experience if only one had a colored pencil long enough to draw on the ceiling. 

-G.K. Chesterton, In Defense of Sanity

I love you, O Lord, my strength. 

The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, 

my God, my rock, in whose I take refuge, 

my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. 

Psalm 18:1-2

Sounds like the perfect clickbait title, doesn’t it? Which is exactly WHY I picked it! Bwhahahaha. 

Because you probably can guess what the answer is…

ANYTHING. 

ANYTHING AT ALL. 

That’s what I wish they would have told me. 

Well, maybe that’s not fair. What one doctor told me was “Pregnancy and being a mom is really hard anyway, and fibromyalgia will complicate that.” THANKS…THAT IS REALLY HELPING ME MAKE THIS LIFE-ALTERING DECISION. When I was researching pregnancy and fibromyalgia, all I really found was that studies show that fibromyalgia will probably make the first trimester even more intense, as far as depression, aches, and fatigue go. NO, REALLY. DID NOT SEE THAT ONE COMING. I do know, however, that it’s not true across the board, as a relative told me that her fibro improved immensely with pregnancy. 

So there you have it. My entire load of research, in one pretty unhelpful paragraph. 

Now that I’m 7 months pregnant, I can understand why there’s not more information out there. Pregnancy and fibromyalgia, at least for me, have often intersected to the point where I’m not sure if symptoms are from one or the other. THE LINES ARE BLURRED, MY FRIENDS. Very blurred. And I don’t really bother talking with my OBs about it, because the symptoms are so very similar, and what can they do anyway? “Oh, doctor, I’m EXTRA EXHAUSTED AND EXTRA ACHY!” “Well, that’s pregnancy for you! Exercise when you can and eat well and sleep well!” This is not to get all down on my OB team, because I LOVE THEM. They are AMAZING. But honestly, there’s just not much they can do.

So here’s a few things that I wish someone, anyone, would have told me about fibromyalgia and pregnancy. 

1) You won’t know what’s fibro and what’s pregnancy sometimes. Like I said above, they can feel OH SO VERY SIMILAR. Feeling like you’ve been hit by a truck? Everything hurts, even areas of your body you weren’t aware of before? Can’t sleep? Digestive issues? Everyone telling you look great when you feel like a gremlin? COULD BE EITHER. It’s easier to assume that it’s pregnancy, because then you can focus more easily on the AMAZING PART OF GROWING A HUMAN AND HAVING AN ADORABLE BABY AT THE END OF ALL THIS. PS. totally assuming my baby will be adorable. DUH.

2) What is recommended for fibromyalgia will sound EERILY similar to pregnancy advice. Because your doctor is RIGHT. Eat well. Pace yourself. Get enough water. Sleep and rest when you can. Exercise carefully, but definitely exercise. Ask for help. Manage priorities and let go of what’s not essential. Seek support from other people in your situation. Take a multivitamin and fish oil and magnesium and probiotics. What’s annoying is that it’s all PRETTY TRUE AND SOLID ADVICE. For pregnancy and fibromyalgia and LIFE.

3) Get the body pillow. B got me one of those U-shaped ones for Christmas and IT IS INCREDIBLE. I totally wish I had one of these BEFORE pregnancy. With all the mandatory resting I do, having the extra and total support is really nice. REALLY NICE.

4) Researching symptoms will completely stress you out, because NO ONE KNOWS ANYTHING ABOUT FIBROMYALGIA OR PREGNANCY. As in, lots of conflicting information and not very many studies. Sure, there are the basics, like no sushi or soft cheeses or alcohol or a lot of prescriptions, but most of your everyday decisions will be based on gut instinct and rapid texting with someone else who is pregnant or has been pregnant or someone who is your mom. And be prepared for all the opinions, both in person and online. Pregnancy and chronic illness both stir up lots of feelings and advice. This can result in lots of UNMERITED GUILT. So not unlike fibro, where you just have to stumble along and try to DO THE BEST YOU CAN, pregnancy is the same. I’m guessing actual parenting is QUITE like this, as well. Also researching baby registry items will stress you out, but that’s not really related to fibro, so NONE OF THAT HERE.

5) Realize that you are the only one who can give your baby the love they need. There will be a lot of freak-out times and insecurities about the future and taking care of your infant once they’ve arrived. Every parent-to-be goes through this, but with a chronic illness, these feelings get pretty intense. Just like you’ve managed your life and your illness (really, you have! Even when it doesn’t feel like it!), you will welcome your baby and figure it all out. I’m realizing more and more that just like in every role we have in life, being a parent means just doing what you can with what you have, and it’s going to be hard and messy and complicated and totally wonderful. Am I nervous? HECK YES. Do I already cry often? UM DUH. Am I worried about not being able to be what my child needs? DON’T MAKE ME LAUGH. There will be days I won’t be able to get down on the floor and play or where we will just watch tv and eat easy food because Mom can’t get off the couch. There will be things I might not be able to participate in, because I have to pace myself and rest. But I am going to give my child all the love and help and guidance and compassion and mercy and grace and laughter I have in me. I am going to show my daughter how to take care of herself and ask for help and realize her worth isn’t in what she does, or in her accomplishments or appearance or housekeeping or goals or bank accounts or health or social standing. I am going to teach her to love God and love others, and that these two things, well, these make for a very wonderful life no matter else what we have to face. 

Oh, THAT'S what my belly looks like now. Thanks, Goodwill dressing room. 

My parents' cat, inspecting the cradle for safety purposes.

Hello, belly and bright sunny day!

$15 CHANGING TABLE. Because we are GENIUSES. 

My most common view these days.

When Going Gluten Free isn’t Enough; Or, The Joys and Thrills of Pregnancy

“‘Ron, why don’t some people like breakfast food?’

‘Because people are idiots, Leslie.’” 

-Parks and Rec

People GET gluten free these days. At least here in the Pacific Northwest. And it’s great! It’s taken years and years, but finally the heads of loved ones and restaurants don’t spin in confusion and a deep personal sadness when you have to decline Great Aunt Phyllis’ famous chocolate cake or ask for a bun-less hamburger. Whew. GLUTEN FREE PEOPLE ARE FINALLY BEGINNING TO BE ACCEPTED, EVEN IF WE ARE NOT UNDERSTOOD. I call that a win. 

I have dabbled in gluten free living over the past 6 years, from straight-up elimination dieting to choosing the steadily-more-palatable-but-still-not-exactly-nutritious-processed gluten free items because I know I SHOULD. Last summer, my acupuncturist and a horrible gut and body ache after part of a breakfast burrito convinced me to give gluten a MISS until further notice. I don’t have celiac, but I do feel much better about life in general when I don’t eat gluten, leading me to strongly suspect that I have a non-celiac gluten sensitivity. I’m sure it’s snuck in here and there, but for the most part I’ve been pretty good at avoiding it. I did sneak a couple bites of B’s crisp bean burrito from Taco Time because those things are LIFE and I am pregnant and achy everywhere ANYWAY. 

Speaking of PREGNANCY, I have had to give up other things than just gluten. And I’m not even talking about the typical alcohol, soft cheeses, processed lunch meats, etc. I mean, whatever. I am looking FORWARD SO MUCH to a cold deli sandwich once the Gummy Bear arrives. Like, I can’t even say. But I’m talking about things that no pregnant woman should even have to think about giving up. LIKE…SUGAR. 

I love SUGAR. 

IN ALL FORMS. 

I love cake, pie, cookies, doughnuts, brownies, blondies, candy. I love baking cake, pie, cookies, doughnuts, brownies, blondies. Haven’t really delved into candy, because that stuff is FINICKY. Also I need a candy thermometer. I also love all the sugar in condiments (you know ketchup is MOSTLY sugary tomato paste, right?) and on top of cereals (oatmeal without brown sugar? Cheerios without white sugar?) and in granola bars and in fancy coffee drinks. Even more than gluten, sugar in SOME SWEET FORM OF GOODNESS is in everything. Of course, I’ve been using more “natural” sugars the past few years, like honey, maple syrup, and coconut sugar. Because did I mention elimination diets? And I read too much online? I have worked with dates for sweetness before, and can I just say, my IBS did NOT appreciate those particular efforts. 

Anyway, GUESS WHAT. Natural sugars? STILL SUGARS. Well, crap. 

All this to say, I KNOW I feel better with less sugar in my life. My skin clears up, my lingering nasal congestion gets easier, all other foods start to taste better. So when faced with a couple of non-urgent but annoying health conundrums during pregnancy, I knew it was TIME. Time to give up my favorite pastime. My favorite way to TREAT MY SELF. 

For those of you who worry about the Gummy Bear*, I haven’t given up ALL sugar—still eating fruits and carbs and even the granola bars I keep in my purse for emergencies. I have to keep from going completely insane during pregnancy, and she needs a wide range of foods. I have also discovered sugar-free, dairy-free ice cream (oh yes, still don’t do straight-up milk or ice cream) and Stevia-sweetened root beer for those times when I ABSOLUTELY NEED SOMETHING SWEET OR I WILL GO POSTAL. 

It’s now been about 5 weeks, and that first week was NOT COOL. But I am a survivor, my friends. It hasn’t stopped me from gazing longingly and lovingly at the bag of Reese’s Pieces a fellow mom-to-be was eating during one of our birthing classes, or at the gf chocolate cereal waiting patiently in my pantry. My doctor did say that chocolate was still ok to eat and so I got some very dark chocolate (even though I really just want milk chocolate, if I’m honest) with a low sugar content, and I don’t even eat the full serving size, but that has helped with my brain a little, for which we’re ALL VERY THANKFUL. 

So that’s how pregnancy is going. Although this doesn’t even begin to cover other glorious topics like acid reflux (IT’S A SERIOUS TOPIC, COMRADES), needing the bathroom at all times, shortness of breath, trying to remember if I took my prenatal, dropping and bumping into everything, and wondering if moving from my couch is even THAT necessary. Of course the most glorious thing of all is feeling the Gummy Bear kick and move, and this is me actually not even being sarcastic. Feeling her move and squirm makes all these other things so worth it, from the diet changes to the acid reflux to the lack of sleep to the extra aches and pains. Like I seriously forget how uncomfortable I am when she starts doing the Gifford Baby Rhumba and I smile like an idiot. Yesterday, we felt her head about to poke out of my belly like the creature in Alien and B and I both lost it. In the best way, of course. 

So while we dream about chocolate peanut butter pie and coconut mochas, pass the Stevia and the fish oil and the cucumber slices for me and the Gummy Bear. Although not all together-that would just be gross. 

*Goodness me-I just realized our nickname for our baby is essentially SUGAR. I told you sugar is everywhere. 

There is a baby in there, I promise. Also, that's the beautiful cradle my grandpa made!

The remnants of my sugar-free AND delicious breakfast. 

How many water containers does a pregnant woman need? DON'T ASK.

Have You Had Enough Water?

I got troubles Lord, but, not today

Cause they gonna wash away,

They're gonna wash away.

-Joe Purdy, “Washed Away”

"Come, everyone who thirsts, 

come to the waters; 

and he who has no money, 

come, buy and eat!

Come, buy wine and milk

without money and without price.

Isaiah 55:1

“Have you had enough water?” 

-Me as camp counselor

-Me as pregnant lady (to myself)

The above question is SUMMER CAMP GOLD. Middle schoolers, high schoolers, and even their college-age leaders forget to drink water. So asking about water became a quick knee-jerk response to alleged ailments of all kinds, during my 5 summer’s stint as a camp counselor and staff directer. Tired? Have some water. Headache? Did you have any water? Upset stomach? Water will fix that. Mysterious aches and pains and complaints that only come up during a week of cafeteria food and morning-till-night activity? LET US BEGIN WITH WATER AND GO FROM THERE. More often than not, the complaint went away after a few sips of good old H2o. 

After my years of suggesting water to countless dehydrated students, this question is now lodged in my brain as the Captain Obvious all of health questions. Water is BASIC, and yet we all probably sometimes forget to drink up when we most need it. I am, of course, preaching to the choir, because ironically it’s only been in the past couple years that I have really embraced trying to reach that magical 8 cups a day. I know, I know, after years of pushing water on students, I now finally push it on myself. I now ask myself constantly HAVE YOU HAD ENOUGH WATER, SARAH. The answer is usually no, because I am pregnant. 

I now find myself constantly thirsty, constantly reaching for my jar of water, constantly slogging my way to the bathroom. YAY MOTHERHOOD. Sidetone: I am trying to enjoy each and every trip to the bathroom BY MYSELF, as I know it will be years until I can experience that privilege once again. Today I ran across Psalm 63, which begins like this: 

O God, you are my God; 

earnestly I seek you; 

my soul thirsts for you; 

my flesh faints for you, 

as in a dry and weary land where there’s no water. 

Psalm 63:1 

Having experienced an increase in thirst these last few months, this verse stopped me in my tracks. Having read/heard/sung this verse about a billion times in my 3 decades of life, I started to read it in a rote, matter-of-fact, boring tone, as is so easy to do with familiar passages of Scripture. But now that I’m thirsty ALWAYS, I thought about the very real and visceral image of being so thirsty for God’s presence that it feels like a desert without Him. I tried to remember the times in my life when I’ve been this physically thirsty. Of course all I can really remember is the recent months of pregnancy, because PREGNANCY. And hormones. And pregnancy brain. Thirst is a real and powerful motivator, and it’s one of the most basic human needs. Even food comes after water in the list of our physical needs, WHICH IS WERID. Because FOOD. 

I’m realizing more and more that God’s presence and help and love are my most basic needs. At the beginning of Psalm 63, it says “A Psalm of David, when He was in the Wilderness of Judah.” It makes total sense to me that David could have only written such a prayer in the middle of a wilderness, and that his physical surroundings mirrored his internal struggles and desires and fears. We all find ourselves in the wilderness of our lives, of our days. And yes, more often than not, my soul is thirsty. My flesh faints. And it feels like a dry and weary and waterless land. The wilderness of soul is a familiar place. The untamed lonely spaces of thirst and deserts of all kinds close in and hem me in. And I need water. I need Living Water, the kind that Jesus offers to the woman at the well in John 4. And this is not a 5 year plan or a far-off hope: this is a real and Captain Obvious kind of need. David is pretty clear that the antidote to his bone-deep thirst is God Himself. He seeks after Him like a man lost in a desperate desert, searching for an oasis. 

David goes on to say that he has looked upon God in the sanctuary, beholding His power and glory, realizing His love is better than life itself. And he chooses, in the middle of the wilderness, to praise God as long as he lives. This is a glorious sneak peek into what a life of seeking after God looks like. In the middle of our own wildernesses and desert places, let us seek God in sanctuary like thirsty people searching for water. God never leaves His seekers thirsty, although He always leaves us in places where we will still search for Him. This is one of the mysterious truths of desert places. It is only in the wilderness that we will even realize our most basic need for water, that we will even seek sanctuary, that we will even choose to bless Him, our Help. 

This year, at the beginning of 2017, as I look forward to a year of intense joy bringing a baby into the world, it might seem strange to be talking about wilderness and water. But as we all know by now, the other side of joy is sorrow. There are never perfect conditions for having a baby or raising a child, and I only have the slightest glimmer of how much help and hope I will need for being a mother. But because I know I am thirsty, and I know that God can be found and known, I will continue to ask myself if I’ve had enough water, and I will continue to seek Him. 

This is me after 8 weeks of summer camp. Notice I am not following my own advice about water. 

There's water in coffee, right?

ELECTRIC TEA KETTLE. GAME CHANGER. 

Not kidding about the jar of water, people.