Pebble and Stones: March 2014

There’s a hole in my soul
I can’t fill it/I can’t fill it
There’s a hole in my soul
Can you fill it?/Can you fill it?
-Flaws, Bastille

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened
And I will give you rest for your souls.
-Jesus, Matthew 11:28

Well, I survived my 30th birthday. I didn’t know if it was possible. I’d been gearing up for a panic-pity party-which I attended, of course. Leaving a whole decade behind is pretty scary, and of course, it took me by surprise. The pressure to accomplish, to decide, to perform, to have it all-to graduate, get a great job, travel, marry, have children, get an exercise routine down, decorate perfectly, have great taste, figure out eyeliner-is huge. I think I thought I’m supposed to be Elizabeth Elliot meets Martha Stewart meets a Victoria‘s Secret model. So by 30, I really thought, silly me, I’d have it ALL FIGURED OUT. Smirk.

All disillusionment aside, though, when I think about my 20s, I can’t help but grin. It was good! I lived in Texas TWICE and had many crazy adventures (boozy snow cone shop, anyone? Only two Starbucks?). I’ve been a writing tutor, Christian bookstore clerk, camp counselor, staff director, copy writer, receptionist. I graduated with an English Lit degree, traveled to Italy and Norway. I had a great group of friends called The Sunday Night Club, all of whom got me through college. I believe that reading Agatha Christie or Mary Stewart is a wonderful brain refresher. I can make foam for a latte. I can also make alfredo sauce out of cashews. I learned how to drive a stick shift and how to live alone. I read a lot of books, watched a lot of British movies and tv, went on a lot of road trips. I’ve spent entire paychecks on coffee. I got to be a bridesmaid for some dear friends. I also figured out I loved running. I have opinions on Gothic literature and think Jane Eyre to be the greatest heroine in English literature. I learned that probiotics are so necessary for taking antibiotics. Being without a hot water bottle was unthinkable. The doughnut people knew me by name and doughnut. I discovered I liked scary movies more than chick flicks. I’ve set goals to read all the books I didn’t get to in college. I get mad when I have too many weekend plans. I’ve figured out I’ll never be a morning person. I met my best friends, and married my best friend in my 20s. I’ve gotten to know my family all over again through the years, if that makes sense. There were some sad things, too. I lost my apartment to black mold and lost all my books. I was diagnosed with food allergies and fibromyalgia. I had a miscarriage. I’ve been through counseling, because being a human is hard. There has been relational change, job change, living situation change, and spiritual change.

My thoughts on this next decade? The word that keeps coming to mind is embrace. Embracing weaknesses, embracing strengths. Embracing work times, rest times. Embracing and making the most of my time with friends, family, and even introvert time. I am going to embrace and remember the things that I used to think I didn’t have time or energy for anymore, like reading and party planning and baking and planning trips and finding the worst and scariest B-movies on Netflix. I’ll be embracing the fact that my house, hair, habits, hobbies don’t need to be perfect. I’ll be embracing the fact that it’s ok to be tired from working, tired from having a chronic illness, tired from being alive. I’ll be embracing grace. Grace from my beautiful friends and family and co-workers. Grace from God, who truly blesses me with all I need, even though I am always inadequate. Embracing this life, this new decade with all its troubles and joys, sorrows and mirth.