“No, stars are for achievement. My 40th cigarette of the afternoon. THAT deserves a star.”
—Bernard Black, Black Books
Having gifts that differ according to the grace given to us, let us use them: if prophecy, in proportion to our faith; if service, in our serving; the one who teaches, in his teaching; the one who exhorts, in his exhortation; the one who contributes, in generosity; the one who leads, with zeal; the one who does acts of mercy, with cheerfulness.
—The Apostle Paul, Romans 12:6-8
I am not a very good grown-up.
Really.
Except for the other day.
I went to the insurance office and sat there for OVER TWO HOURS. It was worth it, because now we are saving BOOKOO BUCKS, but afterwards I had to buy cookies and stress-eat an entire sleeve. I mean, I didn’t have a choice, really. DON’T WORRY, THEY WERE GLUTEN-FREE. And delicious. And I harbor no regrets.
It’s weird how certain things make one feel like an adult. ADULT THINGS. Meeting or calling about ALL the insurance. Renewing tabs ON TIME and remembering to attach them ON TIME. Going to the post office or the bank. Making chicken stock from scratch. Calling customer service. Making appointments. Filing paperwork. Returning ANYTHING. Scrubbing out the tub. Making a menu plan (that I hardly ever stick to). Using the paper shredder. Remembering to get something out of the freezer ahead of time. And probably the biggest one of all….USING THE CROCKPOT.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who feels the need for a Well-Done-You-Reward for doing these things? I mean, except the crockpot. That’s its own reward. Obviously.
The sad thing is none of these activities will do themselves, and as my friends and I often lament, there is STILL no butler, chef, personal secretary, or maid on the premises. I mean, it’s weird. So I have to use the Reward System for myself, like I’m some kind of Toddler Who Would be Bribed. Thankfully, for our budget and my more-form-fitting clothes, it’s not ALWAYS cookies (although that would be ideal). It’s usually in the form of watching House Hunters or another episode of Morse or Poirot (VINTAGE AND CLASSY TASTE ALERT) while I fold laundry. Or a hot bath after sorting and filing mounds of paper. Or a piece of chocolate for dusting and vacuuming. You get the idea.
When I look at that above list of what I consider Adult Things, it strikes me that they are all filed under Administrative or Household Maintenance. And it makes sense why I don’t want to do any of them. Because…boring. I would much rather sit on my porch with all my flowers or curl up with a book because WOULDN’T ALL OF US. This doesn’t mean we’re lazy or anything. It just means we’d all rather be spending our time and energy doing what we love. I just started reading Cold Comfort Farm by Stella Gibbons (insert: HILARIOUS) and came across this line, and it struck me that I AM THIS HEROINE:
“... on the whole I thought I liked having everything very tidy and calm all around me, and not being bothered to do things, and laughing at the kind of joke other people didn't think at all funny, and going for country walks, and not being asked to express opinions about things (like love, and isn't so-and-so peculiar?)” (Cold Comfort Farm).
Thank you, fictional Flora Poste. BRILLIANT. I like tidiness, although I can never fully achieve it. I adore calmness, because I’m an introvert with fibromyalgia. I love not having anything pressing to do, so I can putter and patter about, taking my time with things. I always end up laughing at weird things, to the point where people have told me they don’t understand my sense of humor but they love me anyway (whew). I love walking now! Like, it’s a major THING. I feel like a crazy person without it. And please don’t make me talk about really important things on the spot. Please give me a head’s up a few days before or allow me to submit thoughts in writing. Hahaha, if only that were possible. AM I RIGHT.
But what is the point of all this rambling, albeit surely fascinating, introspection? Besides telling you that I need little incentives to do chores (LIKE I’M THE ONLY ONE)?
We need to know ourselves. We need to know what makes us tick, what gives us motivation to do things. Not just for silly things like doing the dishes or calling the insurance company, but for our whole lives. I think in our world of social media where we can present only the image we want, where knowing the lingo and exceeding expectations is everything, it’s easy to lose who we really are, even to ourselves. I still think we should all be careful about what we put online, of course, but this mindset contributes to being too concerned with image. I find myself always and constantly editing myself, even in person. Whether it’s about how I’m doing, how life is, what I’ve been up to, what my plans and goals are for the future. Part of this is being a perfectionist, part of this is pride, but I think we’ve all been trained to Be Careful about how we present ourselves to the world at large. In a world where we judge others by what they share on Facebook or on Pinterest, (you know it’s true), how can we not be concerned with our image or try to hack ourselves down into a socially acceptable version?
I know I don't feel like I fit society’s norms of what a female in her early 30s “should” be. AKA a “grown-up.” With a career. With 2.5 kids. With LIFE FIGURED OUT. Or at least this week’s meals planned out (What’s today, anyway?). The thing is, though, NO ONE has it figured out. We are ALL taking it step by step, day by day, and even if you are one of those immortal beings with a five-year-plan or an immaculate house (God bless you, you mysterious creature!), there are detours and stop signs and wrong turns for all of us. Just because life is confusing and messy, or you might be struggling with certain things, like illness, financial difficulty, relational stress, direction in life, depression, anxiety, weight or acne or other appearance-related things, you still count. You are still you, and you are worthy to still live your precious life. You are still amazing and strong in spite of the struggles.
If we can learn how to give ourselves a break about expectations and allow ourselves to be who we are in all our messy and beautiful glory, what a wonderful world this would be, to quote the incomparable Mr. Armstrong. If we can learn to not censor ourselves so much, if we can embrace our own quirks and personalities, if we can take the time to get to know ourselves again, we will learn what it means to be fully ourselves. And it will be amazing. Because we all have gifts and talents and skills that are not valued much by society, like hospitality, making others laugh, seeing beauty everywhere, picking out gifts for people, making a killer cinnamon roll, gardening, leading well, serving others in grace, or even roller-blading or playing hockey or knitting or landscaping. These kinds of things make life full and meaningful and interesting.
And when we can accept that we are each individuals, not fitting into tight molds made by others, we will help those around us in the same way. It’s an paradoxical thing that we can’t be our best selves alone-we need others. In the same way that I am more myself being married to Ben, we all have the influence to bring out the best in others. We can inspire those around us to embrace who they are, who God made them to be, to grow into the person they were meant to be. In this way, we will build up the church and the world. In this way, each one knowing who they are and what gifts God has given them, we can bring God’s kingdom to earth. In this way, we can show the world who Jesus really is—the One who transforms us, who loves us, who cares for us, who made us to be His own. When we love each other without condition, when we care for them, when we encourage each other to grow in Him, we present a beautiful picture of Jesus. Let’s help each other shine brightly, in all the mystery and beauty and freedom of individuality.
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| Judge not a book by its creepy cover. |
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| Had to bring some of the beauty indoors. |
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| Bright colors! |
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| I had to get some new flowers! BE STILL MY HEART. |
