Waiting for a Calm Sea

I work hard every day of my life

I work till I ache my bones

At the end I take home my hard earned pay all on my own 

I get down on my knees

And I start to pray

Till the tears run down from my eyes

Somebody to Love, Queen

And he awoke and rebuked the wind and said to the sea, “Peace! Be still!” And the wind ceased, and there was a great calm.
Mark 4:39

Life is like the sea. 

Unpredictable, constant movement. Terrifying in a storm, blissful on a peaceful day, the sea is always changing, always beautiful. I live by the water, by a bay. Cocooned by mountains and flatlands and rivers, I am most at ease next to water. I can sit on a bench or a beach and watch the waves come and go, tides ebbing and flowing for hours. The sea is like breathing, like a rhythm that I can’t find anywhere else, let alone in my own head. It’s a peaceful metronome, the coming and going of crashing waves. 

Life feels like those crashing waves—they just keep coming and coming. It’s one thing to watch beautiful waves beachside—another to be engulfed by never-ending tides. When you are up to your neck in rising waves, the last thing you want is more water. How can it be peaceful or beautiful when there’s too much of it? There are days when life is simply overwhelming, and I’d like to simply stand on the beach and watch the water for a while, instead of tumbling over and over in its wake. I’d like to catch my breath before jumping back in, or splash around in the tide pools, or turn over a few barnacled-rocks. 

Fibromyalgia has been a furious tidal wave these last few months, weeks, days. I am drenched in exhaustion, soaked to my bones and muscles in pain and aches. Endometriosis is a tsunami of stabbing pelvic pain, allowing no time to come up for air. I’m tired from fighting all these waves of chronic pain, weary with battle fatigue. I’m tired from trying All The Things, of endless resting and putting my feet up, which is a little bit ironic. I’m desperate for a peaceful sea, to be able to lie on my back and just float for a while, even a little while. 

I’m desperate for Jesus to do for me what He did for the disciples, when He calmed their storm. He was exhausted, sleeping during a storm in a rickety boat. When will He wake up and see that I’m frightened, that I’m crazily trying to get my boat under control, but I can’t do it by myself? When will He cease these winds and rains and waves? Until He does, I will grit my teeth and hold on. I will hold on to the fact that there were terrifying moments even for the disciples He was physically with-those moments before He calmed the storm. It must have felt like an eternity to them, waiting for Him to act. But when He did, oh my. He rebuked the elements, He put the sea back in its place. And there was a great calm. And the disciples knew that Jesus was more than their great Teacher-He was the One who commanded the winds and the seas.  At last, here is the One who is bigger and larger than all my storms, all the things that life can throw at me—I am safe even though I am at sea.