Searching for the Next Well

I don’t know about the truth. I only know how I feel. 
Agatha Christie, The ABC Murders


Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness.
James 1:2-3

So, you guys. I’m prickly right now. About health, about pain, about advice or questions from well-meaning people. Even though I’m making some surprising progress with appointments and scheduling procedures to find things out (hellooooooo colonoscopy!), it’s all feeling a bit desperate. 

It’s harder and harder to focus on the positive. Or even do things that supposedly have a positive impact. Today, for example, I needed to get out of the house. Like, for reals. Yesterday I was down with Horrible and Bad Cramps that stopped me from moving around the house, let alone outside of it. So today, a beautiful and gorgeous sunny day only found in the Pacific Northwest, a walk sounded ideal and even necessary. 

Inspired by a friend who did the same this morning, we drove to the Boulevard Park, a paradise of water and green lawns and big rocks and lovely walkways. But everyone else in the world had the same idea for this afternoon, too!  We finally made our way to the boardwalk—I was overwhelmed by the sheer amount of people, dogs, bikes, scooters, skateboards. I can’t remember feeling that claustrophobic in the open air! Touching shoulders with nearly every passerby, and being told “BIKES!” from behind. Shudder. You would have thought all that exposure to vitamin D (the first from actual sunshine in months) would have helped somewhat, but alas. More aches and pains descended, and coupled with the intense struggles of the last few weeks, and well, you have a disappointing Sunday. 

The patience necessary for all these things isn’t always at the ready, I admit. It drains away with the daily exertions of Life. I’m waiting for anything to improve. Anything at all. I don’t always know how to find my next well. I can’t trust dietary changes or exercising or rest or surgery or any new health claims. It’s so hard to find my center in all this chaos—it’s always been so key to me to be at peace within my head and soul. I want to find again the things that bring me peace and happiness and meaning. I want to discover new things that inspire creativity and deep purpose. I want to feed my soul even while my body is holding me back. I want to sink into Scripture again and find peace. I want to experience again the redemptive love of Jesus. 

I want to read my books and write my thoughts and watch my murder shows and drink my coffee without guilt—to recharge so I can be fully present with the ones I love. I want to make beautiful things and have a hospitable home for others to come into. I want to move my body in exercise without feelings of ‘is this enough?’ or ‘is this too much’? or ‘is this even right??’ I want to shed the guilt that comes with chronic conditions. I’m constantly judging myself for canceling on people, for resting, for asking for help when I long for independence, for saying no too many times, for asking people to come over instead of being able to go out. I want it to be ok if my house isn’t perfect, if my clothes aren’t folded the minute they come out of the dryer, if my face shows the strain of chronic illness. 

I am not sure what the next few weeks hold, what with various procedures and appointments. Will we find anything conclusive? PS. Please don’t let it be IBD or IBS. Please please please. Regardless of what we find, I need my peace of mind to be anchored in something other than medical know-how. I have a feeling that any road to any sort of recovery is going to be long and annoying. I must keep searching for deeper wells of renewal and strength. This is where the real struggle is—because there will always be hard things, there will always be the temptation to give in, and give up on hope. There is always a choice to keep hoping and searching for the good things in life, the things that bring us hope and peace, and I want to make that choice every day.