When You Have to Start Over...Again

You gotta keep your heart young

Don't go growin' old before your time has come

You can't take back what you have done

You gotta keep your heart young

-Brandi Carlile, Keep Your Heart Young

“…do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be known to God.  And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.” 

-The Apostle Paul, Philippians 4:6-7

Sometimes you have to start not only where you are, but where you have been. 

I found this the other day when I decided to ATTEMPT some stretching after my afternoon walk. Which is also an ATTEMPT at getting back into some sort of exercise routine. Last month, I was so sick and stressed that I completely fell off my beloved exercise wagon. Now that I’m trying to break my way back in, I’m realizing that while it’s frustrating for anyone who is trying to get into any kind of shape to take two steps forward and one step back, for someone who is only recently enthusiastic about exercise and has fibromyalgia, it feels like two steps forward and 37 steps back. So the point for me this week is just TO MOVE. Just a little to remind my body that YES YOU CAN DO THIS. BECAUSE YOU’VE DONE IT BEFORE. 

While stretching and feeling the BURN, I thought to myself that sometimes you just have to start where you’ve already been. And that’s ok. As a recovering perfectionist, it’d be soooooo easy for me to focus on where I’ve been and that TODAY it just feels like I really SUCK AT THIS and my body will NEVER EVER get back to what it was. But you can only begin where you are at, which sounds dumb and like a lame Pinterest quote, but it is true when attempting anything new or forgotten. This goes for all kinds of things, of course. Like getting back into reading the Bible on a regular basis or eating well on a regular basis or going to bed at a decent time on a regular basis or keeping up with friends on a regular basis. 

I am the worst at anything on a regular basis. Well, when it comes to incorporating positive habits in my life. I can go for days before realizing, “Oh, I should exercise today! I should pull on some shoes and get my backside OUTSIDE.” I can go for days before realizing, “Oh, I should eat something other than leftover carrot cake for every meal!” I will happily get stuck in ruts of not going to bed before midnight before realizing that I should at least TRY to get ready for bed earlier. 

What I AM good at on a regular basis is overthinking and sabotaging my own thought life. SO GOOD AT THIS, YOU GUYS. I will inwardly berate myself for my lack of progress in ALL THE PARTS OF LIFE until I am completely cut off from any positive movement in any direction. So this is why I need the reminder that even I get to start wherever I’m at, even if I’ve been there a million times before. And that’s ok, because we all have to get back up after we get knocked down. We all have to start over. We all get to do things over again. And, as they say, practice makes perfect. Even if perfect isn't quite what we had in mind after all. 

One of the best things about having a chronic illness is that you get to let go of perfect. If you’re like me, this happened while being dragged kicking and screaming. And I still struggle with wanting to do EVERYTHING THE BEST and BEING ABLE TO DO IT ALL MYSELF. I always will, BUT the last couple years of being able to accept my weaknesses and focus on what I can do and can give have been REVOLUTIONARY. There’s such a freedom in letting myself off all the impossible hooks that I was on. When this happened, verses like Philippians 4:6-7 make so much more sense—I HAVE to ask God for help for EVERYTHING. Verses like John 15: 5 where Jesus says we canNOT do anything apart from Him and being continually with Him are so much more real to me now. Chapters like Isaiah 41 where God calls Himself our Helper over and over again mean the world to me more than ever before. Because I can’t help myself. I can’t just wish myself out of my weakness. I get to reach out and ask for help from the One who longs to be my Helper in all things. And He does. He always helps. It may not be in ways I wanted or thought of, but He always provides what I need. And if God Himself doesn’t expect me to do it all on my own, why would I expect the impossible from myself? 

So lately, I have been hearing the call to lay down my impossible expectations and lay down my obsession with all things perfect. I want to give up perfect. I want to stop mourning my past progresses and accomplishments so much, and focus more on what I can do in spite of my limitations. I want to listen to my mind and my body and my heart, and pace myself accordingly. I want to be ready to give grace to my weak places, and in turn, be always at the ready to do the same for others. I am ready to celebrate the smallest of victories, the most minuscule of mustered efforts. When I am already in this mindset, I am more ready to tell you about your victories, too. That you probably didn’t see before, because it’s very uncommon to throw on a party hat for meeting little goals or accomplishments. But in this way, we can all bridge the otherwise looming gap between what the lies we believe about ourselves and what we truly are: more than conquerers in Christ Jesus, people who know that love is our banner and our mission and our foundation. Let’s build each other up, pointing out small successes and happy happenstances. Let’s strive to be more like Christ toward each other, who does not expect the impossible from us, but only what He’s given us to give and to be. 

The water, always the water. 

My beloved Pacific Northwest beaches. 

Autumn skies and wind in the trees. 

Those heavens declaring the glory of our God. 

Coffeeeeeeeeee PICTURE!